Could it be that World of Warcraft players are more perverted than the center of all known virtual sin, Second Life?  I mean clearly, as far as I know, there’s no sexgens, no xcite, and certainly no deviant devpose gear in WoW.  But maybe we’re missing out here.  I mean, in this global virtual arms race of perversity that we find ourselves engaged in, this paladin from WoW seems to have found a winning system.

I’ve noticed a lot of complaints about paladins lately, with regard to their low dps and limited combat options. But what players are forgetting is the main reason Blizzard programmed paladins. Paladins were not designed to be hybrid tanks/healers, as many claim. Instead, paladins were designed to be played while downloading pornography.

Paladins have roughly zero amount of combat interaction, thus making them the perfect character to play while downloading massive amounts of hardcore pornography. Simply target a monster, hit “1″, and minimize your window. Then sit back and enjoy amazing girl on girl action.

Because a paladin takes about one full minute to kill a monster, you can leisurely browse the erotic and pornographic fruits of the internet, without much concern over your paladin’s welfare. After a minute, I go back to WoW, and usually my paladin is still alive and ready to loot the corpse. This is what makes grinding so pleasurable and convenient for me; the ability to simultaneously watch girls have sex with each other and level up at the same time. I doubt any other class has such an elegantly designed system, and I applaud Blizzard for their foresight in crafting a character that I can play with while playing with myself.

DPS? Who needs it? The quicker I kill something, the less time I have to watch my boobies. Combat interactivity? Overrated. Id much rather interact with the girls writhing on my computer screen. Yes, a paladin was created for the sole purpose of surviving a fight while you stream hot porn directly to your computer. That is why we have the high armor class, the healing ability, and the low, low, DPS.

As for PVP, nothing is better than getting into battlegrounds and soaking up the honor points while I watch girls take their clothes off for money. Only the minimum of interaction is necessary for a paladin to perform, and it is this very quality that I love most about my paladin. I doubt rogues get any time to watch porn while trying to vanish and rack up combo points, and I bet shamans havent seen a single naked breast while figuring out what totem to throw down before choosing which shock they are going to cast next.

In addition to grinding, we have several defensive options during combat that also allow us flexibility to download porn. Hammer of Justice allows us a quick 6 second glimpse at naked women while our opponent is stunned, and Divine Shield allows a leisurely 12 seconds of quality right-hand time. Indeed, paladins have cornered the market on the pornography during playtime of World of Warcraft gameplay.

It saddens me that many paladins do not take advantage of the main functionality of their character, and are in fact lobbying for increased DPS or more combat options, unnecessary frivolities that would only harm our pornography downloading efficiency. Instead, we should thank the fine programmers at Blizzard for crafting a character that is great to grind with while grinding your loins.

- level 59 paladin named Genkaku

What does this all mean?  We need to take our perversity up a notch or two.  Clearly the gauntlet has been thrown down here and the residents of Second Life need to rise (ahem) to the occasion.  I know SL residents have never shirked from their new ability to find and create new and innovative kinky devices, poses, and playthings.  So, let’s step up here.

-Veyron